Test 1
Women:
To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9
months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.

Men:
To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the
contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket and Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home, Pick up the newspaper and read
it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them
about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will
be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with
a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight and go tosleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living
room until 1am

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't ! get back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so
that none of the arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical people carrier. And
don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway
spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like
that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin, insert it into the CD player then
remove it with a lump hammer

4. Take a family size pack of chocolate biscuits; mash
them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out.

1. Plan to got out at 1pm but wait until 1:15 to get
ready

2. Go out the front door.

3. Come in again.

4. Go out.

5. Come back in.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path/driveway.

8. Walk back up it.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6
questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand
until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at
least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at
least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at
least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at
least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at
least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown
goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one
child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it
from side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to
spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
of it falls on thefloor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from Thomas the
Tank Engine, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney, and all
the songs of the Wiggles and Tweenies. Watch nothing
else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains.

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them
on the clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter (Journalist
turned Z list celebrity! ) with a voice that would
shatter glass) shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important:
No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy"
- occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic
jet is required.

Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the
next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone
else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt
sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" Tape made from
Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in
the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which
you have an important meeting.
Now:

1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in
it.

2. Stir.

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the
mixture.

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated
towel.

6. Do NOT change. You have no time.

7. Go directly to work.

Test 15
Go for a drive, but first...

1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.

2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back
seat of your car.

3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.

4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap
the cat into the child seat.

5. For the really adventurous...... Run some errands,
remove and replace the cat at each stop.

If you can pass all 15 tests you are now ready to have
kids.

__________________