1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be
almost

instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
Then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and
you will forget about the toothache.



8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and

should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.



9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another
chance.



12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you
never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.





IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:



* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are getting weak?



* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when
they know there is not enough?



* Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



* Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?



* Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal
injection?



* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



* Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?



* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?



* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their hoover, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the hoover one more chance?



* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on
your first try?



* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?



* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our
ankle with a shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we
say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
"That hurt, you stupid idiot?"



* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?



* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?



* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

__________________

lol !

__________________


Polly's Ebay

Loved the one about the supermarket shopping trolleys :-)

They are good Kim :-)