Me and my boyfriend of 7 months split up a week ago (fri 1st), because he admitted he wasnt over his ex and always thought they'd end up back together. (She ended their 3 year long distance relationship by text and refused to talk to him for 2 weeks afterwards!)

This was always in the back of my mind but I never wanted to acknowledge it cos everything other than this was perfect.

A few hours later he text me saying he doesnt know what to do because he feels that he could be ruining things with me and that he feels he could have something more with me. He said he thinks he needs some time to sort his head out and apologised for messing me around.

I text him back saying I understand and that I know none of this was intentional and that although I wish we could have worked out, I hope he figures everything out. That was the last I expected to hear from him for a while. But the next day he text me asking how I was and telling me about his day at work, like he used to.

This has made me confused as although I was upset and hurt, I had kind of prepared myself not to hear from him and then I do so the next day, so now I have all these hopes of getting back with him, and they might not even happen.

after not speaking to him for 2 days, I get a text off him about 8pm saying 'wrap up warm if you're out later, its freezing in town x' which I ignored.

Then an hour later I get 7 missed calls from him and then an hour after that he just randomly turns up at my house. I was literally leaving to go out with my friend after moping around the house for days and he does this.

He asked to talk and said that he wants to be with me and that he wants us to get back together and how his mum says that I am right for him and all his friends like me and hated his ex, telling him to get rid of her. He said I make him happy and he shouldnt let anything get in the way of that.

So he came along out with me and my friend and got absolutely wasted. He was out for drinks after work with his workmates before he had turned up at mine too but seemed okay.

I literally spent all night looking after him and making sure he didnt get himself into trouble. I was supposed to stay at my friends but couldnt because he felt ill so I brought him back with me. He sobered up a lot on the way home and was telling me what a mistake he has made taking me for granted and that he loves me etc.
I thought we were back on and one thing led to another.

When we both woke up the next morning, he obviusly had the mother of all hangovers and said there were somethings he couldnt remember from the night before. I was horrified.
He said he remembered some of the stuff he said to me and that he went to say them to me becuase he had spoken to his friends who reassured him that it was the right thing to do if he wanted to be with me.

We went into town for coffee because I wanted to confront him on his actions. told him that it was a cruel thing to do if he didnt intend on getting back with me as he was saying that he wanted to be with me but was unsure about everything cos of his ex issue. Ive already said to him that as long as he is actually wanting to get over her then I can accept that and support him, as long as he still wanted to be with me.

I told him that I felt stupid and felt like he had used me last night and that he has done the exact same thing his ex did to him. He was nealry in tears by this point and kept apologising but still saying that he does want to be with me.

we then walked about town literally in circles for about an hour and every now and again we'd slip back into talking how we used to, making jokes and such cos we wee nervous. He said that he didnt want to hurt me again and was scared that he didnt have the same amount of feelings for me that I did for him, though he said he does have really really like me a lot even though it was initially me who was trying to not get too attached and him professing his love for me and saying how he's fallen for me. After a while, I thought why am I trying to avoid my feelings for him when we're both happy?

I told him that I dont think he should contact me if he is unsure about us because its not fair on me. And what he did last night was unfair.

He strangely asked if I wanted to go cinema or somewhere else becuase he didnt want to go home and wnated to spend time with me like we used to before this all happened.

I say no that he should go becuase it would be a little weird and he asked if it would be okay to talk later though. I did say to him that I dont like leaving things unfinished and that Id prefer if he just said yes or no.

I thought maybe he was waiting to talk to his ex or something but he said that he doesnt want her back because of how horrible she was to him during their relationship and after the break up about him and us.

I'm not sure what to do, I could see he was really upset but all tihs confusion is making things for both of us worse. I told him that I felt rejected by him because he seems to rather pine of a girl who doesnt want him anymore and treated him so badly and as he says never let him do the things he wanted, and that he's letting her dictate his life still. Ive told him I am willing to help him through this and help him move on if he wants to actually move on, which he says he does, but he said hes scared I'll do the same thing to him that she did. Iwould normally give up by now but I really feel we could have something (i know people say that every day but I believe its true).

He says he has been thinking about what ifs as well and that he does want to be with me but I feel like I put myself out to him as much as can, and have to wait t see what he does, I told him its up to him now to do whats best for him.

Later on that night after asking if he could talk me after I said I think it would be best if he doesnt contact until he knows what he wants, he did text me going on about his drunken antics last night, after my friend has wrote on his facebook laughing at him. I thought he meant talk about us, but as usual he resorted back to how we used to be, I went along with it and replied a few times but he knows I want a definite answer no matter what it is and being in 'limbo' is torturing me.

I didnt reply back to his last text late that night, and havent heard from him since. I know he had days off work this week so I';m hoping that this will give him some time to think.
I know its hard decision to make but I dont see whats stopping him from being with me if he says he wants to, and doesnt want to be with his ex after her treatment of him, and wants to move on. he says its cos he think I have more feelings for him than he does for me, but it was me who didnt want to get too attached at first (past mistakes), and him telling me within a few weeks that he was falling for me and falling in love with me. After a while, I realised I was falling for him too and thought I was being stupid holding back.

Part of me doesnt even know if I want to be with him anymore because of all this waiting and not knowing. Most people would have told him to get lost by now and some of my friends and my mum have said to do that. I have only one friend who says if I think there's still something, I should go for it. She said maybe tell him he needs to decide by a certain point and if he doesnt, I should decide for him and leave things and move on.
He hasnt given me any time or assumption of when he thinks he'll know, would that be the wrong thing to do?

I'm so confused. Sorry of Ive repeated myself and its gone on for a bit. I thought every detail needed to be mentioned in order to understand.

any ideas/advice to anything I talked about would be much appreiciated. thanks.
xxxx

somebody please help!!

Hi. Do you still need advice for this matter? How are you holding up? Are things still unresolved?

Regards,
PsychGrad

Thanks for your concern.

Yes a lot has happened since but I won't go too much into it.

I basically tried to leave things as he was so confused. He always initated contact so I always replied when he did. He'd send texts saying how he has missed talking to me. And texts on fridays asking if I was where he'd be going, because he 'wouldnt want to ruin my night'. And texts from him when he'd play his gigs (these were the first ones where I wouldn't have been there and he'd literally tell me everything that was going on.)

After this he asked to meet up for a drink. We did and he told me that he still wanted to see me but that maybe we should take things slow. I agreed but still things remained the same, although that night I decided to leave early even though he invited me for drinks with his workmates and then to see hs friends band. I don't know if this was why thngs remained the same, but he did tell me he left early that night too.

We remained in contact since then and met up again. At first things were awkward but we got back to how things were and it was a fun night. I stayed at his that night and then had dinner with his mum and hung out with his brother the next day.

Then I didnt hear from him for a week, (except the 'I had a great night' text), then on the friday he text asking if I was out in town and did I want to meet him and go to a comedy club he was at with his workmates. I said I was already out and then the next thng he turns up on his own.

We spoke outside for ages about everything and I told him that I hated how things were, everything being up in the air, and how he can't just contact me on a friday cos that makes me feel used and like he only wants one thing. He said I know its not like that really and that he felt like he was pestering me cos he always iniated contact to which I replied that he was the one who wanted to take things slow so I didnt want to over do it with texts.

He told me he had txt his ex 2 days earlier and he got no reply. He said he didnt plan to do it but hated feeling so confused. He said he needed to know why she ended things and thought if he could speak to her that it would help him sort himself out. But he got no reply. He said that he still wanted to see me but I told him I didnt want to be second best or just the rebound girl and he said I was never that and that it wouldn't be this hard and he wouldnt be so confused if that was all I ever was.

I got upset and told him that him texting her says a lot and that I could deal with it all before because us taking things slow was what i thought as him wanting to move on and that he needs to figure out what he wants and not wait on someone else to decide for him. I told him that we shouldnt see each other anymore and that if he does want to see me when he's sorted things out then he knows where I am.

He asked if I wanted him to go and I sad yes. He did. About half an hour later, I decided to go home as I was upset. I went to get my coat and he was stood on his own against the wall. He didnt see me at first. I walkd straight past him. But then he grabs me and hugs me tightly saying sorry and that he knew he should go cos I wanted him to but that he didnt want to leave things like this.

We left together and walked around town, surprisingly not taking about 'the issue'. It was great. Then he stayed at mine. He had dinner at mine the nxt day and left. Soon after he left he text saying how last night was amazing and if i wanted to see hm again then let him know and if I didnt he understands. Then within 10 mins he texts again saying that he would like to see me again and then commented on hs bad hair.

I since told him again that I think he needs to sort everything out on his own and that if he then decided that he wants to meet up with me again then maybe we can. That I don't want to be second best and he needs to decide once and for all and stick to it. He replied saying he understands and that he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since and that was a few weeks ago, its been so difficult. I think its harder becuase we didnt end on bad terms as such. I still have this feeling that evrything will work out and we'll try again and I can't seem to shake it.
As childish as it seems, I think part of that is because he has still kept up pics of us on his fb. Also my friends seem to think we will eventually too.

Up until now, me worrying about his ex wanting him back was never an issue becuase I always had the impression from what he had told me that she didnt. But I didnt want to say that to him cos its not nice to hear and I'd sound bitter. I guess its a case of him figuring things out for himself. I always knew snce he admitted it that it was a case of him needing closure and needing time to get over her. Though this was hard to accept when he seemed to be making such an effort with me still.

Im not going to sit here and say that he is 'the one' cos we were only togehter for 7 months and I'm trying to be realistic but its frustrating becuase I believed that we would have been together for a good while, longer; who knows? and that do believe that if it wasnt for the circumstances we'd have worked out. I guess it was bad timing and I'm still trying to get over that. This was our only issue, there were never any other problems, he said so too. It was the best relationship I've ever been in despite 'the issue'.

Sorry for the long essay, I tried not to write this much, thank you for your concern.
I'dbe grateful for any replies. Do you think I've done the right thing? Any tips for what i should do now? Anything I should have done?
thanks
xxx

To answer your question first ("Do you think I've done the right thing?"), I believe that you've done remarkably well... considering how difficult this has been for you. As confusing as this may be for all parties involved, you've managed to maintain your composure and self-respect. You've successfully kept involved in maintaining communication while also giving enough room to sift through the haze surrounding matters. Sometimes giving some latitude to a situation helps one view the full horizon for what it really is.

You sound like a wonderful person, very patient, understanding, contemplative. But, sometimes, these excellent merits have a downside where others are involved. I've long held the opinion that when a person loves another, there's no obstacle too large that can't be transcended to be with that person. In short, when you love someone, you'll do what is necessary to be at their side... so long as these obstacles are not interpersonal abuse or destructive behaviors.

I feel that if he truly cared for you, there would be no question in his heart. He would be at your side, and not stray from the path. But, as it is, he has free reign to do as he pleases without consequence, no matter what his statements and intentions are. He's had the luxury of having you there for him while he pursues other avenues. In this case, other women. And, without malice in my words, you've stood by and allowed for him to take this situation for granted. No person should have to sacrifice their own happiness at the expense of another's indifference or indecisiveness.

My opinion is that he has been 'stringing' you along. This dynamic happens in relationships when one person maintains the majority of the relationship concerns while the other pursues self-indulgent matters outside the relationship. In essence, the person who is straying has opted to keep a safety net should things not go as plan.

Make no mistake, there is no confusion in him. He can claim confusion as often as he likes, but actions speak louder than words. He 'has' made a decision... to keep you in the proverbial corral while he continues to operate in a self-motivated manner. Again, he has had all the benefits and none of the consequences to face. Most honest people would admit, myself included, that they may find it difficult to turn-down such an one-sided offering. Sadly, it's often human nature to be selfish and self-motivated where other's make it possible.

There's an old layman's saying used in the counseling world, "sh*t or get off the pot". And when a person chooses neither, then it is left to you to make that decision for them. We have to respect ourselves enough, be strong enough, to walk away from relationships that don't meet our expectations. Sometimes, in doing so, the other party realizes that the free-ride is over and they must act accordingly or be left behind. Sometimes, they simply walk away themselves if forced to choose.

It really comes down to this, my dear... What do you seek in a relationship? Do you want something casual, with few strings attached, or do you prefer something lasting and committed? Not surprisingly, he has left you to pay the check. It will have to be your decision that determines whether you continue the relationship as it is, or walk away and pursue a more rewarding relationship elsewhere.

There are a million fish in the sea. I've had several relationships in my lifetime, and when one opportunity diminished, another eventually presented itself. This man isn't the end of the road for you... he's merely a road-marker along your life's journey. You can stay at his stop for as long as you choose. Just remember that there's a lot more road ahead of you... adventures, love, friendships, and much more.

In synopsis, I believe it's time to be good to yourself and move on. With all the excellent qualities you seem to possess, you are a truly a hot commodity in the dating world. You won't be in the single's market for long.

Best of luck, my friend. I wish you all that life has to offer.

Sincerely,
PsychGrad

Thanks for your reply, and taking the time to give a detailed answer, you've helped me a lot and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I think I needed an outside opinion.

We haven't spoken for a few weeks now and although at times it can be hard and I have my up days and down days, I feel a bit better not having all this to think about and contend with, especially when I was in the midst of it all.

Again, thanks so much for your help and concern, you seem like a wonderful, truly genuine person and I hope you continue to help others that need advice.

Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applauses which he cannot keep; so that scarcely can two persons meet, but one is offended or diverted by the ostentation of the other
Thanks for posting and rate my post thanks

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women talking dirty

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.

thanks

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how to talk dirty